Last week I spent a fair bit of time going on about our financial struggles as a church, we made it to the end of the month but only just! A few days ago we received some funds from Vital and Ketly who received it from churches in the USA, So God is good and we now have enough to cover the november and december wages! So the pressure is off at least for a couple of months! Here it is the end of the school year in a week or so and that includes Christmas bonuses and double wages for the holiday months etc, so it was looking hairy  but God has been faithful! On a personal front I have been struggling with matters of the heart(I am not going to go into details! not here anyway!), but it has been a struggle discerning what is the right thing to do etc! I feel much more at peace and friends via email and facebook have been a real blessing (you know who you are!). I have felt upheld by the prayers of family and friends, in the words of Bruce Cockburn, sometimes the only thing that keeps us from falling is the prayers of strangers, or in my case the prayers of friends! My daily times of meditation and reflection on the word have been a lifeline with many psalms giving me words of consolation, especially Psalms 119(not all of it!), 40 and 27. Songs on my ipod have helped too, Bruce Cockburn functioning like David playing his harp to Saul to chase away his demons and Martyn Joseph’s, have an angel walk with her and Negative Vibes by Damien Dempsey : “Lord, won’t you give me the strength to be strong and to be true for when the devil gets into my head I feel so blue.”  What else have I been up  to apart from wrestling with angels and demons? My sermon on Sunday was a bit too intellectual  and I confused a few folk I think! I was preaching on Romans 8:18-27, on hope and how our hope is for the liberation and transformation of the whole creation, a new heaven and a new earth. It clashed with some people’s view of heaven and eternity, but clashes are good every now and then especially when they make people think! It is all N.T.Wright’s fault! But then again not many of them will have read the bishop of Durham! But preaching isn’t always about having nice warm feelings(I have had a few of them recently which were nice!) and sometimes the word can leave us with more questions than answers! I had a nice chat with Ricardo, one of the church members and he seemed to appreciate my sermon and acted like clarence the angel in It’s a wonderful life showing me how my presence here has and is making a difference in resolving conflict, supplying funds etc (if you haven’t seen the film, watch it, especially with christmas coming up, George (played by Jimmy Stewart) is feeling depressed and suicidal on a bridge and Clarence an old fat angel turns up and shows him what life in his town would have been life without him, if you haven’t seen it, you should!). In the after school programme my three little “angels” have been not too bad and even getting on with their homework and times tables, so feeling better equipped to deal with their unruly behaviour! Daniel sent me a couple of DVDs from the states (he was the music teacher who was here a few months back), we watched kung fu panda in spanish and then in english and it was a source of some much needed laughter! We have wall-e to look forward to later! Pastorally Maryorie one of our new mums (we have a few!) is feeling much better and less anxious and her daughter is doing well so that is encouraging as she was in a bad way at one point. Last night I watched the last game int he world series, the yankees beat the phillies 4-2 in the series, my side lost as I would support anyone aganist the yankees(the evil empire), being a red sox fan, we have a pathological hatred of the yankees (think Rangers v Celtic, Hibs v Hearts, Arsenal v Spurs etc).  It ain’t fitba but it is the next best thing! We had a bit of a storm last night, big hurricane warnings, but in the end just lots of rain (been sweeping my flooded balcony out this morning), all the schools were closed as a precaution so no kids today, hooray! My olds will be here in 12 days (no counting, honest ) so that is a cause of joyful anticipation and puts a spring in my step as I wake up in the mornings! I am going to do the same as last week and keep it a wee bit shorter as I was beginning to try your patience with my long sermons! Go well and don’t worry too much about me, I’m OK, well as OK as I ever am! Love Stu x

The headline sounds more dramatic than it really is, a bit like the tabloids! We are approaching the end of the month and that means wages (not mine, I don’t get any!), the workers in the pre school, the tutorial programme, the missionaries at Rama and Kukra Hill, plus the maintenance workers here all get small allowances, calling them wages would be pushing it! Usually we can just about cover them but the bus with its repairs and greedy consumption of diesel is sucking up resources needed elsewhere, in fact we have decided just to use the bus at weekends for the Oansa club on Saturday for the kids and the evening service on Sunday as there weren’t enough children in the bus to justify its use during the week, we are using a member’s 4×4 instead! It is forcing us all, including me to trust in God for our finances, right now cash is not there but payday isn’t till Monday as Sunday is the 1st of the month, the usual payday. It reminds me of Romans 8:24-25, “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Or not so patiently as the case may be! I am learning to trust more in my own personal finances too as they disappear faster than I would like, partly due to the crisis, but I know that if God wants me here he will supply my needs, I have just about enough to last me till july 2010 when I plan to come back to the Uk for a break, after that who knows? At the moment I would say I am more likely than not to come back again, but that depends upon God and His will first and foremost. I don’t think this is a veiled begging appeal (but I can deceive myself at times as we all do), but it is an honest sharing of the financial situation of the church and my own! Now what has been happening since last Thursday? Thursday seems to be my blogging day now since i came back from Corn island with my cousin as I try to do a weekly one! I did the daily devotional for the afternoon school programme, I find this more scary than preaching anyday but it went OK and at the end of the week I was pleasantly surprised with what the kids had retained, one boy Randy recited the entire Bible story (it wasn’t a short one!) and the memory verse, I gave him a full bag of toffees as he deserved it, the other kids were jealous! My cousin gave me another Rebus novel, Fleshmarket Close for the Ian Rankin fans out there (Ian Rankin is a scottish crime thriller writer who has written a series of novels based around the life of an Edinburgh cop called Rebus), Rebus really makes me laugh or Ian Rankin’s writing does and I like the setting in Edinburgh especially when I recognise the places and cultural references. I have never been one for novels, even less crime thrillers but I do enjoy these! I had a nice surprise on Friday when I went to my weekly Anglican Morning prayer and discovered it was a eucharist as it was the feast day of St.James (brother of Jesus, not St.James of Christ the King, Milton Keynes), I miss regular holy communion and am quite a catholic baptist or a sacramentalist, so a high anglo catholic mass was just what the doctor ordered! I often feel an almost physical desire to feed on the bread and wine! You can read into that what you want or will! Changing subject to the political (although I think all things are related!) I have been reading the daily papers trying to get a handle on the recent ruling by the supreme court of justice(!) allowing Daniel Ortega to run again in the elections in 2011. What it amounts to is a bypassing of the national assembly(the parliament) to change the constitution allowing Ortega to run again, the constitution didn’t allow someone who had been president twice before to run again (Ortega was elected in 1984 and 2006). The corrupt judges who are in Ortega’s pocket changed the rules illegally and violated the constitution to satisfy Ortega’s desire to keep himself in power and run again. It is all very sad, I wish he would let someone younger come through the ranks, but you know what power does to people! How it will all end I do not know, but there is a lot of disgust and unrest amongst the people. Please pray for Nicaragua we need it! Speaking of prayer on Sunday I launched into a long “political” prayer for the nation in its present crisis and it hit a raw nerve deep inside me (in a good way!), here people come forward at the time of intercessory prayers to express their needs, last sunday very few came forward and I challenged them to come and just stood there and waited for them to come and boy did they come! I had a hard job remembering all the requests, serves me right! I watched la duda (doubt) about a priest who may or may not have abused a young boy, it stars Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour and is excellent, highly recommended, I won’t comment too much as i don’t want to spoil the ending, but it was very thought provoking and done tastefully. This Sunday I went out visiting in the morning and was drawn to someone who hasn’t been at church for a few weeks, it turned out that it was his 60th birthday and he really needed a visit, reminds me to always listen to my get when it comes to visiting people or is that the Holy Spirit in my gut? I received my first Guardian weekly for months as they have been having delivery problems so it was good to have  news in English in print format, better than the internet anyday! This Tuesday I did session 11 of the alpha course it was on how to resist evil and spiritual warfare, I had a “hell” of a time getting the DVD to work, but got there in the end after 15 mins or so of trying, maybe the devil didn’t want us to see it or is that being paranoid? You choose! Nandy an eight year old girl got sent home from safe harbour yesterday which was sad but she has been stealing a lot and people had reached the end of their tether! I found myself waking up at 1am this morning (not usual for me as I sleep like a baby normally) and I used the time to pray and read a bit before going back to sleep, there is an issue I am wrestling with at the moment but don’t feel it is right to share it here, but the prayers amongst you pray for me, it isn’t anyway bad, just a dilemma! I lead a study last night on the purpose driven life and it was on worship as surrender and how we need to surrender our lives and wills to God, I found it helpful personally and realised again my need to surrender my future and my life to God. I watched some of the first game of the baseball world series(world, why? it is only the US, imperial delusions as always!) it was good to see the New York Yankees (the evil empire) get thumped 6-1 by the Phillies, well if my team the Boston Red Sox got knocked out at least I can enjoy seeing their rivals get beat, mind you early days as it was the first game in a series of seven or is that nine games, nine I think! What! This is my longest blog ever, sorry folks! Go well love stu x

I don’t know why but preaching in spanish seems more fun! Maybe it is because I need to rely on God more? On Sunday I was preaching on Hebrews 12 which talks about God’s discipline with His children, I had fun saying bastardo (it is there in the text, see v8, at least in the Spanish New International Version), perhaps I was enjoying it too much, but the sermon went well and was well received too. I feel fully alive when I am preaching and most fully myself, strange thing! A gift I suppose! On the pastoral front I visited Maryorie in the neo natal unit, she was very anxious and worried for her child and her herself, but is doing much better after prayer, support and some sedatives, they all help! I visited her this morning, a week later and she is at home and the child is doing well and she is much calmer.  I have been listening to my ipod a bit this week, first time for a wee while and I found coldplay a source of much joy, especially viva la vida which really lifts my spirits in a celebratory way! I thank God for music, it feeds my soul (whatever that is!)! As ever been reading a fair bit (that is what you do when you don’t have a TV!), just finished for the second time, “Into the silent land” by martin laird which is a book on contemplative prayer, very helpful and rooted in the reality of life. I especially liked what he had to say about distractions in prayer and how to deal with them, meet them with a steady silent gaze and you see they are just fluff without substance! Highly recommended, thanks Chris Goodchild for suggesting it! This week the computers at church have been out of action due to a virus but they are back in action again (I am writing this at church) which makes access a lot better as I had to go into town to the cyber cafe there. The kids at safe harbour seemed to have settled well, but one of them Oscar never stops asking questions, I haven’t strangled him yet, but……..! A good friend of mine Rosalie(she did the same sabbatical course in autumn 2005) sent me a book called “The God of our deepest longings” by peter van breemen, it is a book of biblical reflections following the Ignatian approach to spirituality, it came at the right moment and is helping me to work through what are my deepest desires, I won’t go into details about one of them (the astute will guess!), the other one is the core one about whether my deepest desire is to stay here beyond July 2010 or return to Scotland or England. I am working on that one! The Ignatian approach stresses that if we get in touch with our deepest desire, what we really want, we get in touch with God’s will for us, our deepest desire and God’s will not being in contradiction but ultimately one and the same. It can take a bit of getting there as we don’t know ourselves very well and can be full of self delusions, but with God’s grace it is possible! Habakkuk 3:17-18 came out of the blue to me the other day, it stresses that he will praise God even if the crops fail and there are no livestock in his fields and speaks to me about praising God in the midst of the economic crisis when times are hard. Do we only praise God in times of abundance and not in times of scarcity? As a church we are struggling economically at the moment but we can still praise God even when we dont know how we are going to make ends meet, but we can still trust and that is enough at the end of the day. I watched nacho libre the other night, the Jack Black film where he plays a religious brother who becomes a mexican wrestler to help out the orphanage where he works, I have seen it before but enjoyed watching it here with the kids in a latin american context not too different from the film itself! Last night I blessed a wee shop that one of the members is opening in her house, lots of people run wee shops from their homes as means of survival to boost their low incomes. I also bought some crisps and sweets from it, because praying is good but so is supporting the business economically! Politically things are getting a bit hot here as Daniel Ortega is seeking the legal mechanisms which will allow him to run for re-election, the present constitution doesn’t allow him, but yesterday some of the judges from the supreme court of justice (misnomer if ever there was one!) passed a ruling that opens the door for him to run again. This has bypassed the national assembly and is causing ructions as you can imagine! It is all a bit too new to offer comment at this stage, next week things should be a bit clearer, I need to read the news and digest it a bit first! I am going sign off now and make this blog, a wee bit shorter than recent ones, I don’t want to try your patience too much! Go well love Stu x

On Tuesday my cousin Simon continued on his travels without me, I would have liked to have gone with him to Masaya, Granada and Ometepe but I had already taken a few days off to go to Corn Island and will be taking a few more when my “olds” come in less than five weeks! It was good to have a member of the family around and to chat in English, but visits always must come to an end, normally when you are just getting used to having someone around! I think he had a good time and for someone who doesn´t consider himself a Christian he participated pretty fully in what was going on and even managed to cope with being evangelised by Emelina the big scary deacon! I took him to visit our two church plants at Kukra Hill and Rama, so he got a taste of rural life and some nice views on the boat trips. I enjoy visiting the work at kukra and Rama and sense that the folks are always pleased to see me which is nice. It is a pastoral privilege to visit them and see how they are doing, to hear how things really are from the horses´mouths so to speak! There have been problems in both places recently so it was encouraging to see that things were much better and long meetings can bare fruit when it comes to conflict resolution! I won´t go into details for obvious reasons! I have been doing Bible studies which I find helpful too as I try to get people to participate and it often gives me source material for sermons! To reflect with a group of people on a passage you are going to preach on is a very helpful exercise and lets me see where people are itching and gives me far more insights than I would get reflecting and studying alone! I have been reading an anthology of poems by Ernesto Cardenal, one of Nicaragua´s best known poets who is a priest, was a disciple of Thomas Merton, was minister of culture in the sandinista government during the 80s and is now a strong critic of Daniel Ortega. It is only now that I can fully enjoy his poems and even now I need my big fat Collins Spanish dictionary as he uses lots of concrete words I don´t know, especially names of plants, animals or birds. I wasn´t preaching on Sunday, I preach every other week, which is quite a good discipline sitting and listening to someone else preach every other week. This Sunday Alice (a creole woman who is a lay leader) preached a fantastic sermon on the silence of God and unanswered prayer, which was quite weird considering I have just finished reading a book called God on mute, engaging the silence of unanswered prayer by Pete Greig! I said to Alice I would lend her the book! God´s silence is often because he wants to draw us deeper in our relationship with him and I have known that silence in recent years after a relationship breakdown and during struggles here too, I don´t hear God saying clearly whether I should stay here on whether I should return to the UK, I don´t hear him clearly about whether I should stay single or be proactive about seeking a wife, but in the midst of that silence I feel strangely at peace, knowing that the Giver is more important than all his gifts. Over the years my prayer has moved much more into silent mode, I still dialogue with God and ask for things, but my deepest prayer is without words where I just rest in presence without saying or asking for anything. Intercession has its place and I do intercede for others and myself, but does God not want more than that from us? Someone who is always asking for things ends up being a pain in the arse! We need to learn to just be with God and He will meet our deepest needs. Didn´t plan to say all that, back to details of my life here, staying with the subject of prayer, an answer to prayer was when I put Simon on the bus from Rama to Managua, it turned out that Shelley a member of our congregation with whom we had had a meal the previous Friday was also on the bus and she said she would make sure Simon got to the other bus station and safely on his bus to granada. So God sent a wee black Nicaraguan angel to look after Simon, you may think it was just a coincidence, I don´t! The bus stations can be quite dangerous for cheles (whiteys, from the word for milk, leche) and to travel with a nica is always best and safest! When in Rama we visited the council again to see how our request for land was going, it turns out there is no suitable land available this year but the new budget is just being prepared so hopefully we will be included in that, please pray those that do! I am on week ten of the alpha course and we had a good session of how to be filled with the Holy Spirit, I prayed for people and they prayed for me and we sensed the gentle presence of God´s Spirit with us and in us. An issue I am struggling with at the moment is the whole issue of dependency, the church is going through a difficult financial crisis and sometimes I end up putting my hand in my own pocket to help out, this can cause an unhealthy dependency as they shouldn´t rely on me too much and also to be honest I have pretty limited resources, I have just about enough to see me through till July 2010 when I plan to return to the UK for a break or perhaps for good (it´s still an open question). I don´t want to go into specifics as it sounds like I am blowing my own trumpet! Sometimes the answer to our own prayers is us, who we are and what we have, if I have money to cover something and the church doesn´t am I the answer to that prayer? Sometimes yes, but not always! I may even enjoy being seen as “the saviour” when coming to the rescue, I hope not, but we all have mixed motives at times! To finish on a positive note, I went to the dentist yesterday, had a check up and my teeth cleaned, I haven´t been to the dentist since coming here, so that´s 18 months or so, I didn´t have any fillings and it cost me 100 cordobas or 5 dollars or three and a half quid! The dentist is a member of the congregation and gives special rates to members of the church, I tried to give her more but she would have none of it! So at least I am saving money on the dentist front, it cost me about sixty quid for a similar thing in Milton Keynes last time, so some things are better here, even if the health care is a bit ropey, but that is to enter into a neo-natal visit I did this morning and I have already written too much as normal! Maybe next week I will talk about that! Go well my beloved cyber congregation, love Stu x

Yes, it´s a hard life! Just back from Corn Island again with my cousin Simon who is visiting me as part of his round latin america trip! Well, it would be a sin for him to come all this way and not visit the wee tropical paradise, so I had to oblige! The weather was a bit wet (not bad, as all weather has its place!) but that didn´t stop us from swimming and enjoying the food and drink that the island had to offer. Swimming in heavy rain was quite nice and you are not going to get any wetter are you really? The sea was warm even if a bit choppy on little corn island (a smaller car free island) that we visited for the day. The panga boat ride over was a bit hairy as it was wet and windy and the boat bounced off some big waves and took flight at points, a bit like a big dipper ride without being strapped in! I must admit to thinking once or twice, ¨what will happen if we end up in the water?¨ Oh me of little faith! The highlights of this trip for me where the delicious lobster soup and the calm bay on corn island, watching the sun going down and shimmering on the sea as I floated around. It was good to spend time with my cuz, but we were also happy to read books and just chill without talking too much which was restful. I feel a bit hot and stuffy here as it more humid and less windy here in Bluefields than it is in corn island, but I can look forward to another visit in six weeks or so when my parents visit, oh, it is a hard life being a missionary! What else has happened since I last wrote a week past Tuesday? The bus has been repaired and it was a joy to travel in it with all the kids on saturday without all the banging and thudding it used to make! It was going to cost us 5oo dollars we don´t have but in the end it cost us 500 cordobas(25 dollars) thanks to an inventive mechanic, the Lord works in mysterious ways at times! I have been reading ¨the orthodox heretic¨by Pete Rollins which is a serious of modern day parables which are very thought provoking! I saw a film called ¨la milagrosa¨ which was about a rich young man who was kidnapped by the FARC rebels in Colombia, it was a fair and balanced portrayal of the civil war and a good film to boot! Last week was San Jeronimo where men dress up as women and hit each other, very strange! I kept away from it as people get very drunk and start fighting each other as part of the festivities, I don´t think Saint Jerome(Jeronimo) would approve as he was quite an ascetic! We had a baby shower party for a very heavily pregnant  member of our congregation, her name is Marjorie. I am not a big fan of such events, more for the women and found myself being quite thoughtful and withdrawn, maybe I was feeling broody in my subconscious! I got my customary skinhead for a quid, so looking balder and feeling cooler! I had a weird coincidence on friday, I read my daily Bible readings in the morning, I follow a book called good news every day which has a reading each day, i was given it on my baptism in June 1991 and have used it ever since, it is falling to bits now with use! The reading for the day was Genesis 28:10-22 and then I went to Anglican morning prayer where it was also one of the readings! What is God trying to tell me through this? The reading is about Jacob and a vision of a ladder of angels and the place is called Bethel, same as the name of the church here in Bluefields, I had a sense that God was saying to me that I may be here for a wee bit longer. I had another fall the other day, I was wearing my crocs and the soles are worn out, I should bin them but they are comfy! I slipped on the wet floor in the bathroom and banged my arm on the toliet door, I have the biggest bruise I have ever had, all purple and yellow now, but no real damage done I think! I had another “accident” in that I found a piece of glass in my steak at a fancy restaurant, I felt something hard in my mouth so I spat it out and saw a wee piece of glass, luckily I didn’t swallow it, the waiters didn’t do anything when I told them about it, but I did get an apology and money for my meal back the next day after Ricardo (one of my Nica guests) complained to the owner! If I was a gringo I would have kicked up a fuss but us Scots don’t like to complain too much! We have three new kids in the safe harbour house, my new neighbours, they are called Oscar, Jonathan and Nicole, they don’t speak much spanish even though they have been here for a year and a half. Their mum lives in the states and their granny who looks after them here has found them too much. Well, at least I can speak to them in English if needed but we are trying to get them speaking spanish as much as possible which suits me! I preached on Sunday and really enjoyed myself even got a few laughs which is always good and proves we were communicating! The numbers were up and a few people who hadn’t been around turned up which was encouraging and goes to show that prayer and pastoral visiting do make an impact.  My left ear is a bit blocked up with wax and the swimming didn’t help, I tried some ear drops but still no movement, you can’t get your ears blasted here with water pumps! That can effect my mood and makes hearing and understanding spanish even harder, but my right ear is working OK! Apart from that I am in good health even if I got bitten a fair bit on corn island! Things are quite good at the moment, finances have picked up a little for the church, we managed to clear some outstanding debts which is a relief! Life is still a struggle but I don’t feel alone in that struggle and that makes all the difference! Go well love stu x

I have had a fair bit of conflict to deal with this week! On wednesday we had a meeting with the two women who work in the pre school. It was a very productive meeting and a good dialogue ensued which helped clarify some things. On Friday night we had an extraordinary church meeting to mediate in a conflict between the pastor and the administrator at Kukra Hill. The meeting lasted 4 hours and 45 mins! It was lively at times, but very productive and I think I chaired it quite well, I had to be firm to enable them to listen to each other and to speak one at a time! I was drained by the end of it, but felt at peace and was a tired happy! After the meeting we went for a nice meal, I had steak with chillies which was delicious! A top notch meal for six cost about thirty quid or a fiver each, not bad value! I have found another good restaurant to take my parents when they arrive in November! I enjoyed using the skype to chat with Gonzalo, my dear friend from Spain who I got to know when he worked at the Open University in Milton Keynes and also with Yoseph who still works there. Yoseph emailed me today to say that his hearing in relation to his stay in the UK was successful, so that was a real answer to prayer, I had the Nicas here praying for him! Prayer isn´t limited by geography or time or space for that matter! On the subject of prayer been reading books about it recently, one called ¨becoming the answer to our prayers¨ by shane claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove, it is an excellent book and as the title suggests looks at how we can become the answer to our own prayers by the way we live our lives, highly recommended! I also read “God on Mute – engaging the silence of unanswered prayer” by Pete Greig that is refreshingly honest about his struggles when his wife had a brain tumour, it takes a comprehensive approach to the issue as well as using personal testimony, a joy to read and very funny too, had me laughing away on numerous occasions! You wouldn’t think on a book on unanswered prayer would be funny, but it is! I haven’t laughed with a book so much for a long time!  Amazon books have just been taking a couple of weeks which is very good! I do wish the postage and packaging were a bit cheaper but needs must and for me books are a need rather than a luxury! I went to the market to visit some of the members of my congregation who are market traders, I managed to visit three of them in a oner so that was an effective use of time! It is good to visit folk at their place of work and see how they are doing, I didn’t stay that long but felt the visit was appreciated. In my own time of prayer and Bible study I have found that God keeps giving me verses about pride and humility, specifically “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” which is found in 1 Peter 5:5 ,  James 4:6 and Proverbs 3:34. Three times it appeared to me, it speaks into the pride in the midst of personal conflicts here at church amongst members but also to me personally as I realised and confessed to the church meeting, I also struggle with pride, mine being intellectual pride having studied theology and being well read etc, I can look down on my brothers and sister with their somewhat “primitive views and theology”!  Sunday was Bible day and we were celebrating 440 years since the Bible was translated into Spanish, there was a gathering and march around the town involving a lot of churches, I was given a blue t-shirt to wear as a pastor and sat on the stage, they do tend to respect their pastors here, perhaps too much! On the march round the town the water I had drunk to stop dehydrating myself was demanding to leave through another means (you can guess, I was bursting!) and I didn’t know what to do! Run up a side street? I was praying away in desperation and I recognised one of the houses, it belonged to Winsel, one of the little rascals at the school programme, so I knocked on the door and his mum answered, I told her who I was and she recognised me and let me in, what a relief! In the evening Miguel, a friend I have been studying a purpose driven life with came to church, I had asked him loads of times and nearly given up, but he turned up, so that was a nice surprise and a lesson on not giving up!  My cousin Simon flies into Managua on Thursday and thanks to the wonders of facebook he will be met by another friend of mine called Miguel who will put him up for the night and put him on the plane to Bluefields the next day, I introduced them to each other via facebook and they have made contact so at least they will now know what each other look like! I plan to take another visit to Corn Island, my wee tropical paradise when he is here, any excuse! It may just keep me sane! Strangely enough I feel pretty good in the midst of all these difficulties, not to mention the financial crisis we are going through as well! I have a sense of God’s peace in the midst of it all and of being in the right place at the right time, at least for now! Music wise I have been listening to Juanes, the Colombian singer who headed up a peace concert in Cuba, he has got into a lot of trouble for doing that and made me think of  ”blessed are the peacemakers and blessed are those wo are persecuted for Justice” , he has received death threats from Cuban exiles in Miami! I like the social content of many of his songs, not just romantic slush! I got a pirate copy of Calle 13, a group that takes the mickey out of reggaeton singers who think they are very “street” but are just a commercial product whose lyrics glorify violence and sexism, they are very funny and clever, refreshing to hear some music with decent lyrical content! I have just been called for lunch, so better head! Go well love Stu x PS heard over lunch from O’Nell that the bus has been fixed, it looked like we needed to shell out 500 dollars we don’t have on air bags for the suspension, but a wizard mechanic with  a strange nickname managed to fix it for about 25 dollars! A real answer to prayer, mine and others as the bus was sounding very dodgy with banging noises coming from the suspension at every bump! God is good! I was on the verge of paying for the air bags myself but now won’t have to which is good as I can’t afford to be too generous! Or can I? A good question! God has been good to me so far and I have up till now had enough to get by and I am sure that I will for as long as He wants me here, but how long will that be? I learning to trust and discover that God is faithful, how about you?

The title of this weeks blog is the title of a song by carlos mejia godoy a famous Nicaraguan folk singer, it was in my head as I started this blog! I got back from managua yesterday after spending an enjoyable weekend with my friends there, I went primarily to renew my residency card and managed to get that done on Friday morning thanks to the help of my wee Nica lawyer Blanca, she has been a real angel and although I had to wait three hours sweating away in the heat I got it in my hand, not small task! I am now legal for another year, not that I was illegal as I still had a month to run on my last card! I stayed with my mate Miguel, who is a member of the 1st Baptist in managua and speaks really good English, even with an English accent of sorts, perhaps my influence! His family have adopted me as one of my nicaraguan families (I have a few!),  so when I come to Managua I have a home to visit which is nice! Having got my residency card sorted I then went to do a bit of shopping, I got a few CDs of Nicaraguan Music and some books in Spanish, CDs caribbean music from the altantic coast, dimension costeña and philip montalban and a new recording of la misa campesina (peasant’s mass) by Katia Cardenal and a choir from Norway! Books I bought, otro Dios es posible (another God is possible), a series of fictional interviews with Jesus returning to earth today, which has a CD in Spanish, Jesus is played by Otto de la Rocha who is a Nicaraguan folk singer, so a Nicaraguan Jesus! The interviews are provocative and seek to stir lively discussion, I like them although some may be scandalised by them, they are available in spanish and english on www.emisoraslatinas.net  if you fancy a look! I also bought an anthology of poems by Ernesto Cardenal, a famous monk and poet and I bought a book by Anselm Grun on the monastic understanding of time! All in Spanish which is good practice for me! What else did I do? I bought a pair of trainers from the oriental market, the biggest in central america and a real jungle of thieves but i went with a Nicaraguan and left unharmed! My other trainers I bought in the UK in May fell to bits under Nicaraguan conditions of rain and mud! I got a good pair of reebok, they look like the real thing or if not they are a superb copy! They cost me UK prices so hope they last! With footwear you get what you pay for! I went to check out the hotel my parents are thinking of staying in when they come in mid November, it looked good and was reasonable about 60 quid for the three of us, not bad for quite a decent hotel! I bought a webcam so I can now use skype as Onell has a skype account here, email me if you want to chat via this! I went to see Johnny Depp’s film public enemies, which was OK, but not my choice and I had already seen a bad pirate copy on DVD! I had a nice time of silence and prayer in the cathedral, a strange new building which cost about fifty million dollars to build, it looks like a mosque on the outside with breast-shaped turrets! I found some of the statues a bit gross, especially the Jesus bleeding profusely on the cross and I didnt like the walking on your knees antics of some of the worshippers, isnt life full of enough pain without adding to it? I saw one old woman on her knees with her grandchild helping her alone, her face expressed pain and anguish with every stumbling move, my heart went out to her, I wonder how God felt?  In spite of that, I liked the silence and vibe of the place and passed a sweet half an hour in silence contemplation, I felt I communicated deeply with God there, at one point I was dialoguing with God in my head as i often do and was talking to him about my spanish not being perfect and how I wish I could communicate with them the way I can in my own language, but felt God saying, that it didn’t matter that much, after all I communicate with him most deeply without words and if I love the people that will come across in and through my stumbling Spanish. I was looking for excuses and God made me realise that really matters, love and silence! I visited Paul Baker, who is an ex monk and now solidarity activist, he has been involved with central america since the mid 80s and been living in Nicaragua full time for the last 15, he is now married and has a child. He has just turned 70 but doesn’t look it! I met him in the late 80s when he was living with a salvadorean family who were being threatened by death squads, he spoke and sang in edinburgh, he has a guitar he made from recycled wood when he was a monk at Nunraw, Lothian, Scotland! We had a good blether and drunk quite a few cups of tea with milk, a good British cust0m! I visted my jesuit friend Joe, he is from the states but he been here since the late 80s, he works with base communities and is a lovely gentle bloke. I went to services on Sunday at the 1st Baptist in Managua, the 1st baptist church in Nicaragua, the pastor there, Rev Dr Gustavo Parajon invited me to share a bit about the work here which was nice! I feel at home there when I am in managua and feel part of the church family there and have lots of friends, especially the young people who visited us in kukra hill to do some painting a while back. I got back yesterday and there are a few delicate pastoral situations that require urgent attention, won’t go into details here for obvious reasons, but those who pray please do! I feel OK about being back, didn’t feel sad leaving managua as I have done in the past, which tells me I am more at peace than I have been! Onell has now loaded up the webcam and I had a chat with Vital this morning which was nice, he is doing well on his visits to churches in the states. I could tell him that we were having problems but God was with us in the midst of it all and that I was enjoying myself and not feeling too stressed about it all! This blog is even longer than the last one, so better stop before I try your patience too much! Go well love stu x

Yesterday and today, that is Monday 14th and Tuesday 15th are fiestas patrias here or days to celebrate the defeat of William Walker (a mad US mercenary who made himself president and tried to reinstate slavery) and central america’s independence from spain, it gets a bit mixed up! Two days celebrating different things! What it entails is lots of marches, flags, drums and girls dancing in very short shirts! Not helpful especially when some of them are mere infants sexed up with lots of make up and knee length boots! I like some of the drumming and the songs they play on their hand help xylophones though! Nicaragua is a land full of poets, even my cobbler is a poet and there must be something in the air as yesterday I felt inspired to write a poem asking questions of the Nicaraguan flag, it may not be very good, but it is all my own work, I am going to print it and you can tell me what you think, but be gentle with me as I am a novice when it comes to writing poetry, here goes:

Oh Flag of Nicaragua!

How do you feel on this independence day?

How free do you fly?

Do you still feel stained with blood from the recent civil war?

We celebrate today, freedom from Spain, but freedom for what and for whom?

From one empire to the next!

Uncle Sam still holds sway even if he uses less military might or no longer funds the contras (mercenary army created and funded by the CIA to topple the sandinista government in the 80s).

Economic warfare is the name of the game now with “free” trade treaties, unpayable debt and cuts in health and education due to electoral fraud as donors withdraw “aid”, who pays the price? Always the poorest!

How clean do you feel mi banderita(my little flag)?

Stained with corruption and broken promises from a lost revolution?

Today, what exactly is there to celebrate?

Stuart Dennis 14/9/2009

I promise not to inflict my attempts at poetry on you too often! What else have I been up to this week? I have enjoyed doing some “proper” pastoral work like visiting people and listening to their problems and struggles, for reasons of confidentilaity I wont go into specifics but for me listening to people pouring out their problems and sharing intimate details of their lives is a truly sacred moment and I often feel very close to God in such encounters as the people literally shine as they pour out their hearts, they dont know this, but often people who are suffering when they share their stories being to glow, I dont know how to describe this without doing violence to the experience, but often people glow with God’s presence or is it Christ in them? Thomas Merton said that the only problem with seeing people as they really are in the depths of their beings is that we would bow down and worship each other or as he said elsewhere, how can you tell someone they are shining like the sun? I exaggerate a bit, but not totally as I do sense God in and through these encounters. I mediated with a couple going through some struggles and although long and tiring such work is very rewarding and I feel fulfilled as a pastor when doing such things. I got a package from my mum and dad which included magazines and some DVDs of sermons! I listened to one of them by Paul Rees who is the new minister of my parents Church, Charlotte Chapel in Edinburgh, he preached on 1 Peter 5:5 which talks about God opposing the proud but giving grace to the humble and was entitled “Alien humility”, it was just what I needed for a difficult church meeting on Friday night and I used 1 Peter 5:1-10 to read to the congregation before we kicked off, again for confidentiality reasons I can’t say what happened at the meeting, but it did involve some delicate pastoral situations and was potentially explosive! It went much better than I thought it would and I realised with God’s help I make a decent mediator and peacemaker (how about that for humility?)! It has been in the middle of difficult pastoral situations that I have discovered that it is for “Times like these” I am here and I am here because with God’s help I can deal with them. The song “Times like these” by the foo fighters has been ringing in my head in recent days, “in times like these we learn to love again”. On Saturday we announced to 4 of the kids from the kids club Oansa that they will be going to managua for a camp which for many who have never been there is a real treat, the 4 were chosen for their attendance, good behaviour and had to pass an exam on the Bible, 2 of them got 100% and none below 75%, better than I would do! On Sunday I did a bible study on Luke 6:18-36 which includes such gems as “blessed are the poor”, “woe to the rich” and “love your enemies”, it is interesting to ask people who are poor what blessed are the poor means! We had communion in the evening which was moiving for me as we haven’t had communion this month due to problems in the church, they decide here at church meetings whether they will have communion each month, if there are problems and issues they often say no, I find this hard as i was used to communion at least every other week in Milton Keynes and I miss it! Yesterday we went to the beach at bluff, a mere 15 to 20 mins in a boat from here, it was lovely sunny weather (it’s a hard life being a missionary!) and the sea was quite warm and the waves were good fun too, although my left ear is now blocked up with water! Yesterday I read Luke 9:23-27 in my daily Bible reading notes and it talks about denying ourselves, taking up our cross daily and following Jesus and I prayed that I would deny myself, staying here if it is God’s will and follow Jesus wherever it leads me! Part of me does want to come back to the UK, but that may be my will rather than God’s will, I prayed and felt at peace, there was some surrender in there and that isn’t a bad place to be! Well even longer than usual, go well love Stu x

Had lots of meetings in the last few days, a long church meeting on friday which started at 5pm and finished at 8:45pm, 3 and 3/4 hours! It was very lively with hot latino passions but went well and no one came to blows! Yesterday and today we have had a visit from people from Managua and the board of international ministries which has involved lots of meetings, I can’t go into details here for reasons of confidentiality, but can say they have gone well if a bit tiring at times! Fortunately meetings can also be occasions of encounter with God through his people but I am a bit meetinged out at the moment! Well, what else has been happening this week, my alpha course is still going well and we had a good discussion about reading the bible and how to read it and how to find space to read it each day and what do you read, I encouraged them to use a lectionary even a catholic one as it gives you readings each day (a lectionary is a series of daily readings over a 3 year period which covers a fair whack of the Bible). I am still teaching English twice a week to kids which I don’t enjoy much, but do out of a sense of duty! I have been re-reading, “weeds among the wheat” by Thomas H Green SJ which is about discernment, which has been very helpful for me at the moment as I seek to discern whether I will stay here beyond July 2010. The good old Jesuits, you can’t beat them when it comes to discernment and I am eternally grateful for my three months with them in the autumn of 1995 during my sabbatical! I enjoyed a walk the other day where I walked slowly and had a chat with Jesus as we walked, I felt a deep sense of love for the people here and felt deeply at peace, have been enjoying a deep peace in the midst of the demands of meetings and quite stressful situations and am grateful that God has been upholding me through it all! Have been managing to do some pastoral visits which I enjoy, I am a pastor at heart and enjoy spending time with people in their homes. I have finished my Nicaraguan police novel in Spanish by sergio ramirez, it has taken me longer than the books I devour in English but was well worth the effort and not just for my spanish as it was a good read about police, drug smuggling and politics! I went to my weekly anglican morning prayer at 6:30am on Friday, but it lasted 90 mins a bit long for me, but I will keep going as I enjoy singing hymns and praying in English! I preached on Sunday again and really enjoyed myself and it was well received! The numbers were down a bit, but you preach whoever turns up and I don’t let the “audience” determine my mood too much. Having all these meetings with our visitors has been a bit heavy but the breakfasts, lunches and dinners have been fantastic as they pull out the stops here when visitors come! Cordon Bleu chicken, potato salad, lovely cakes and sweets, I will have to fast a bit during the next few days! If you come as a visitor I can guarantee that you will be well fed, mum and dad get on your diets before you come! Plans are moving ahead for the visit of my parents so I am looking forward to that and my cousin Simon who is doing a tour of latin america is coming to Nicaragua in a few weeks so lots of visitors on the horizon, any others, let me know you are always welcome! Dr Gustavo Parajon the minister of 1st baptist in Managua is here as part of the delegation so I took the opportunity to have a wee chat with him about things and my thoughts about my future, he is very well respected and a source of good historical anecdotes especially from the 80s and the time of war and revolution! During the last few days I have a sense of being in the right place at the right time as I have come here to help accompany the church through a difficult time, how long I stay here is another question, but for now I am happy and content and that is enough! Go well love Stu x

In recent years I would rarely miss the greenbelt Christian arts festival on the august bank holiday weekend, last year was the first I had missed since 1995! So it felt odd again not being there this year! It there was one place I wanted to be this weekend it was at the cheltenham racehourse at greenbelt! I didn’t dwell on it too much and had a pretty good weekend, anyway it is over now and have ordered some seminar CDs online! It is helpful though to listen to your desires and see what they are telling you. Next year I will be back in the UK at greenbelt time whether or not I come back for another stint in Nicaragua, so I have that to look forward to amongst over things! So what has been happening here in Nicaragua? We have been having problems with the department of social security (sound familiar?) as they want us to subscribe our volunteers to the equivalent of national insurance, I can see why, but it will make the costs prohibitive and may mean the closing of the programme which would be a shame. It is interesting to come up aganist government bureaucracy and to see the lack of flexibility. Thanks to good old amazon I got a book on fasting by Scot McKnight an expert on the historical Jesus, they practice fasting regularly here so thought it wise to read something of some depth on the subject, it is an excellent book and I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about fasting. I also got a live CD “Hanx”  by Stiff Little Fingers, I had a pang for a bit of their music and saw it cheap so bought it! A wee treat every now and then doesn’t do me any harm! Their song “Gotta gettaway” speaks to me at times! My dubbed Nicky Gumbel alpha course is onto week 6 and it seems to be going well with new people joining, it does seem to translate from yuppie middle England to poor Nicaragua! As regards the teaching I am still struggle with discipline especially when I have five wild kids to look after when a teacher didn’t turn up, they see me as a friend and that makes discipline hard and they know I won’t give them the stick like others may! I got my police record from the local police, I need it for the renewal of my residency card, they were helpful and I didn’t feel threatened, some latin american police are quite dodgy! I went for some blood tests and urine tests for the health certificate that I also need and the doctor said I was well but need to drink more fluids as my urine is very concentrated! Will try and oblige! The doctor is the father and husband of people who come to church, he doesn’t himself, but is a nice bloke and he didn’t charge me a cent either which makes him even nicer, God bless him! I had a coffee with my poet/shoe repairer(cobbler) friend who is looking at publishing his second volume of poems, I have his first one and they are pretty good, I will try and help him a bit with finance so he can get his latest poems out there! On the wall of the cafe where we were was the serenity prayer, Lord, help me to accept the things I cannot change, give me courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, it really spoke to me and has a message for me right now, what do i need to accept and what can I change and give me the wisdom to know the difference! One of the Bible passages that grabbed my attention this week was Mark 10:46-52 where Jesus asked blind Bartimaeus what did he want him to do for him and I found myself asking myself, what do I want Jesus to do for me? Deep down I want him to open a door for me to come back to Scotland or even England, but not right away as I still have work to do here! Sunday went well, although numbers were a bit down, some people seem less committed with vital and ketly not being here and I am less strict and wont tell them off for not coming! The bus also wasn’t in action as the driver didn’t turn up, but lots of young people from barrio santa rosa a good distance away turned up on foot midway during the service which lifted our spirits! I think I preached quite well, I enjoyed myself anyway and think I know when I bomb! I preached on Matthew 24:36-51 about the second coming and being faithful servants in the meantime, apt in the absence of vital and ketly! A couple of the books I ordered via amazon seem to be taking their time so i emailed them and they dispatched me another one at no cost, so good old amazon! It is pricy with postage as much as the books in most cases but I need to read and you don’t get much in English or Spanish here in Bluefields, Managua is better and will be visiting my friends there in a couple of weeks when I go to renew my residency card, looking forward to a gig or two and seeing my friends there! Well, I am beginning to waffle so will sign off as usual, go well my dear friends love Stu x